There are those days when one can accomplish mountains of work and do so with little issues, even when things are beyond chaotic at home... Then there are days that no matter how hard you try, you feel so disconnected from things that you need to be working on that you end up with no other choice but to step away...or not even begin working on what you need to complete. The latter one has been me today.
Today has been, well, one of "those" days. I can't help but to wonder if maybe it is due to the holiday passing in the middle of the week. Not like it can disrupt our week during the summer this year. No one works outside of the house. The kids are not in school. Yet, somehow it managed to turn the ending of the week into crumbling pieces. It seems we have been a bit on edge and quite possibly overwhelming in a sense. Things have been nonstop from everyone's brains forgetting simple tasks or things they have remembered for years, yet managed to forget today. The kids are acting OUT. OF. CONTROL. And by that I do mean seriously CRAZY! To top it off, it doesn't stop there...even the damn dog has been running wild today. I feel like I live in a zoo! Why is it that these things only happen such as they are all at once. It's like the old saying goes, "when it rains it pours"...I think that quote takes new meaning to me now.
Kevin has been more kept to himself since the 4th. I hate the way holidays take a toll on this house now. I miss the way things use to be. I miss the easiness in life, the smiles, the laughs, the joys out of simple things. The 4th has really messed with a lot of our veterans this year, just as it does every year. Fireworks don't even have to be set off for the apprehension to just take over and for me to find myself walking on a bit of eggshells hoping that moods simmer down.
I can't help but to think about what life was like before Iraq and how easy it was to take advantage of the luxury of being able to enjoy things, only now to feel a bit bitter towards the holidays because of what their true meaning is and how little people really think about it. What gets me the most about this holiday is that Kevin and the many men and women that are living this hell after combat are the ones that fought for our freedom. They are the ones that have enabled Americans to live as we do, yet they can't even celebrate it. How horrible is that? It's just not right. As fireworks exploded across our nation just a couple nights ago and people celebrated with alcohol, cookouts, swimming, friends, family, and even strangers - our nations heroes were hiding out in their houses, taking anxiety medications and praying for the night to just end so the flashbacks would stop, the current reminders would just disappear, and they could somehow pull out of the bad spot they were in. Yet for many of them, when Thursday morning rolled around they had taken steps back instead of forward. It's like a domino effect - you push one down and they all start collapsing. Well, this is what happens with our combat veterans that battle PTSD. It's not magic, they can't just pull out of the "funk" or "episode" they are in because a new day has started after living through double hell of nightmares and flashbacks.
Wives such as myself haven't slept much, we have walked on eggshells, and we have watched as our husbands have stayed in bed the day after the 4th just trying to get through it. We have been a witness to what war leaves behind as we scramble to pick up the pieces, all the while knowing that no matter how much we scramble, the pieces will never just be picked up and placed back together.
As much as I want to be pissed at the people running the firecracker stands, the people shooting them off, and the people forgetting the reason we are all so free - I can't. I can't for the simple fact, just years ago Kevin and I WERE those people. We were the kids out shooting fireworks. We were the ones loving the amazing firework display that downtown Atlanta puts on every year. We were the ones sharing the excitement at my moms house as everyone got together, because that one day we knew that family and friends would reunite. What we didn't realize was the brutal truth behind war and what the veterans return from war with until we lived in the shoes. So, I can't be mad at the ones enjoying it. I do however, wish there was a way to better educate people on things. I wish someone had educated me on the truths of war - NOT the book version in school. That doesn't account for anything when it comes down to the individual we are speaking of.
All I can do is hope and pray that as the years pass, the holidays become a bit easier. I'm not holding my breath, but I am hoping that family and friends find it in their hearts to understand why during holidays (especially July 4th) we will always opt to stay home, alone. It has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with there is no way I am going to get my family out in that mess and risk my husband falling back more steps. I'd rather stay home, with the tv loud as it can go drowning out the outside world. A few days - or maybe even a week later - things will fall back into place and we will be able to be around people again. Time and understanding is what it will take...
As everyone was enjoying the 4th of July, I pray they each took the time to remember our true heroes and all that they have done and sacrificed as well as their families. Every combat veteran and their family have given more than most realize for our country's freedom and no matter how many bad days there are, the good will always overpower the bad. We will always come out with a smile on our faces and honestly, many would do it all over again for the sake loved ones.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, July 6, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Moments of Definition
Sitting at Church on Easter, our pastor asked us to think back on the defining moments in our lives, which I of course did. As I thought back to the moments that have defined, shaped and molded me into the woman I am today, I felt overwhelmed with emotions. Here I am, cutting close to 29 and have seen, done, and been through more than many of my friends. In ways, I guess you could say I feel as though I have "lost" my place with many of them because of my experiences.
What has defined me? Where would I even start?
As a child I ran into health issues, which the doctor explained would take my life without the proper medication. Over the years, I have learned this to hold much more truth than I believed as a child. My health issues have left me in the hospital, fighting to become well again. As a teenager, I really went through some tough moments, ones of which I will not go into detail here on. Then at the young age of 17 I was faced with the reality of becoming a mother as I discovered that I was pregnant. Looking back, I was just a child myself, yet grew up rather quickly as I learned that I was responsible for another human being. By the age of 19, Kevin and I had two daughters just 15 months apart...after the doctors told me I would never be able to get pregnant.
Being pregnant with Bre was discovering my second home to be in the hospital. I spent the majority of the last fifteen weeks there and ended up having her right before 35 weeks gestation. At this defining moment, I learned to cherish every moment. Breanna flat-lined multiple times during the last couple of days that I was pregnant and she had her struggles the first year, and even some now with her breathing. We like to refer to her as our miracle child.
At the age of 20 my husband decided to enlist in the army. At this time we were faced with new challenges, new experiences, and many changes. During the eight and a half years that he was in, we endured numerous field probs, training, two deployments, and countless nights apart. We learned to depend on each other in ways that we never would have imagined. We grew apart at times, just to find our way back to one another and fall in love all over again... or more than we ever were to begin with. We lived through the fears. We lived through all the army throws at a soldier and his family. We lived through the realities of war really can do to a soldier. We lived through hearing of permanent damages. We have survived thus far with my husband being forever permanently wounded from combat. He survived one of the most selfless acts a person can do after countless convoys and multiple IED's, VBIEDS, mortars, rockets, RPG's, Snipers, and so much more. After many close calls, he is here. Everyday may be a struggle at times and we do live our lives in ways that family and friends may not understand, but we do it together. This is just another defining moment of ours that has shaped us into who we are.
One of the most defining moments for me was realizing that I may not live in 2010. When I had to send Kevin a text message from our upstairs room (El Paso, TX house) because I could not breathe enough to yell for him, I knew something was terribly wrong. I looked like I was nine months pregnant due to me being so swollen, not being able to urinate, filling with fluids and bleeding internally all because a doctor did not cauterize sites after surgery. This was a time that changed many things about me. This was a time that truly opened my eyes. At one in the morning, I had to make the phone calls to my parents and Kev to his to inform them that the doctors did not know if I was going to live or not because my body was shutting down. My kidneys had already shut down. There I was, a 27 year old, mother to three little ones, wife to an amazing man fighting like hell for my life. I called my dad and told him what was going on, feeling strong as I dialed his number. When I heard his voice, it was like I became that little girl again, just needing her daddy. Needing for him to say "everything will be okay". I was honestly scared. Before Kevin left the room to call his parents, I kept telling him "I'm my Grandmother's Granddaughter, so of course I would be okay". Yet, after he left, I was on the phone bawling like a little child. This to me, was one of the most defining moments of my life.
Surviving kidney failure not once, but twice within a two and a half month span opened my eyes, it allowed me to let go of the negative and cling to the positive. It has allowed me to cherish the small things and moments in life, as we never know when they can be taken from us. Lying in the hospital both times, fighting for my life, thinking about all that I have in life, made me a better person. I no longer hold on to the past or grudges. I have learned and accepted that I can't change people nor can I make them behave a certain way. I have learned that not everyone will be there when they say they will, and no matter how much it hurts, that's okay. That's just life. I've learned that often times, friends are our family and the last ones we expect to be there for us are often times the first ones opening their arms and hearts. I've learned that people aren't who they say there are and I've learned to let go of those people, just as I have learned to let go of the ones that I am always there for, yet do not have that in return in my moments of darkness. "If someone cannot handle me at my worst, then they sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" - one of the best things Marylin Monroe ever spoke. Why should I share my moments of joy and happiness with those that cannot stand beside me through my moments of weakness.
Even today in life, between my health issues, children, and wounded husband, I have my moments of weakness. I have my days of breaking into tears over a commercial. I have my moments that I want to yell at the world that sometimes life just isn't fair or want to fight with someone because why do I have these health issues? Why is my life so limited after kidney failure and other things? Why is my husband so damn broken? Then through all the pain, anger and sadness, I do find the happiness. I am still here to get angry over this - all things that I deserve to have anger and frustrations over. I am entitled to my "bad" days, especially when I do not feel right. I do have my husband around that I can get irritated with when he does things that make me stop and shake my head. A husband that does love me for me and that I would be lost without. I do have three kids that can drive me up a wall, yet can leave me with a heart so full of love and pride that I never knew existed. I have my family and friends, all of whom support me and love me for me.
The moments that have defined me are too many to mention and I know there will be many more in the future. Whether they are near or far, some I will openly welcome and others I will hope they remain in the far future. With whatever happens in this life, we are all faced with moments that define us as individuals, in our relationships, as parents, as children, and as much more. These moments will be good and they will be bad. They make us who we are. What we do with these moments and how we react to them is what makes us the person we are today. After my kidney failure, I started to change my life around more than ever before. I have opened my eyes and in ways become a new person. I like the new me and I learn more about me everyday.
Life is full of opportunity, take it. Life is full of moments to make memories, so make them! Cherish what you have and who you are with. The moment you are in is a moment you can never get back. Let the good and the bad define you into a person you are proud to be.
What moments in life have defined you? Leave a comment on this blog post!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Reflecting
I'm lying in bed, typing this from my iPhone and cannot help but to find myself reflecting upon what this year has already entailed.... It has left me elated, sad, overjoyed, numb, full of emotions, emotionless, and more than anything grateful for what I have been blessed with.
On January 12 we were overfilled with emotions as we spent the last day being apart of something we had come to know and love - Kevin being active duty in the army. It's one thing when a soldier leaves willingly because of an expected retirement or an ETS. It's another thing when the soldier is told he has to be medically retired due to combat injuries that fills page after page once it was documented. On January 13 we fell into this new world that we are still trying to transition to. Sure, it feels amazing knowing that no more deployments lie ahead. Truthfully, I'd take more deployments if I knew I could have Kevin home with no injuries. The VA has him classified as one with severe injuries - physical and mental. It breaks my heart. Yet, that's not what was in the plans for us and that's not what happened. No matter the injuries, I'm forever thankful that our kids and I have him home and we get to work through his injuries with him. He'll never be the same, he'll always hurt and there will always be issues, but he's home.
Not even a week after his retirement took effect, I received the devastating news that my Great Uncle was not expected to make it through the night. Sadly, he passed away very early on January 19. Everyone in our family has been affected by this and one of the most amazing men to ever live is now watching over all of us. There will never be enough words to describe my Uncle James. Each of us that knew him could tell story after story filled with our memories. We could also go on for days on how he changed our lives and our perspective on things. At 91 years old, he lived an amazing life!
On January 12 we were overfilled with emotions as we spent the last day being apart of something we had come to know and love - Kevin being active duty in the army. It's one thing when a soldier leaves willingly because of an expected retirement or an ETS. It's another thing when the soldier is told he has to be medically retired due to combat injuries that fills page after page once it was documented. On January 13 we fell into this new world that we are still trying to transition to. Sure, it feels amazing knowing that no more deployments lie ahead. Truthfully, I'd take more deployments if I knew I could have Kevin home with no injuries. The VA has him classified as one with severe injuries - physical and mental. It breaks my heart. Yet, that's not what was in the plans for us and that's not what happened. No matter the injuries, I'm forever thankful that our kids and I have him home and we get to work through his injuries with him. He'll never be the same, he'll always hurt and there will always be issues, but he's home.
Not even a week after his retirement took effect, I received the devastating news that my Great Uncle was not expected to make it through the night. Sadly, he passed away very early on January 19. Everyone in our family has been affected by this and one of the most amazing men to ever live is now watching over all of us. There will never be enough words to describe my Uncle James. Each of us that knew him could tell story after story filled with our memories. We could also go on for days on how he changed our lives and our perspective on things. At 91 years old, he lived an amazing life!
Two weeks ago, right at a month after my Uncle's passing, I received the traumatic news that a friend of mine had taken it upon herself to commit suicide. My heart aches for the pain she was in, just as it aches for all of us that are left here full of so many unanswered questions. My heart is broken for the two little girls that adored their mother to know they are now growing up without her. I have been affected with Heather's decision and her death in ways that I never imagined possible. I so badly wish that I could just shake her and scream at her asking her why this would have even been something to consider. I want to yell at her for her to open her eyes at what this has done and will do to her daughters. Most of all, I want to sit with her, cry, and talk all while letting her know things will be okay. But I can't. I'll never be able to and that alone leaves a hole in my heart. I just wish she'd known how much we all love her. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with her family now and always.
May this be a reason to tell those around you how much you love them. Time is a precious gift for each of us to have. Never forget that.
May this be a reason to tell those around you how much you love them. Time is a precious gift for each of us to have. Never forget that.
So, here it is, the first week of March and I find myself praying and praying that this month is far from traumatically eventful. I keep hoping for this to be a better month and productive in a good way. In a sense, I find myself in a form of "fear" as I think back on what this year has already brought to us and I hope that it's not the start to a terrible 2012.
Now you have it - thoughts that have been steadily running through my mind.
Now you have it - thoughts that have been steadily running through my mind.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Taping the Pieces
It is now after midnight on 13 January 2012... This date holds one meaning to us, Kevin is officially retired from the army. Wow...I never thought I would say those words in less than ten years since I watched my husband sign the papers that led him into the army.
I wrote the above literally seconds after the clock turned to 12:00am. Today is now Monday, January 16 and it is the first moment I have been able to sit down and actually focus a bit. I was at a loss for words over the weekend as to what emotions and thoughts were running through me. And, to be honest, I am still at a loss over it all. Being medically retired from the army isn't like retiring on ones own. It isn't like just quitting a job. It isn't no longer being qualified because you have become lazy or addicted to drugs and wasted your time away. No, being medically retired from the army is honestly not an easy thing to do, yet after months and even more than a year of doctor appointments and briefings, the army decided that Kevin was no longer attainable because of the injuries he had sustained. Eight short years ago I watched him board a bus and head out to MEPS in Atlanta as everything I knew back them changed right before my naive eyes. Here it is, eight years and almost three months from the date he enlisted and within those years we have been through more than most will be of witness to in a lifetime. We have taken on more than one or a couple should, we have overcome more than anyone thought imaginable. My husband has literally lived in hell as he survived months in a war zone, on two separate occasions. He has not only lived in hell, he has been a witness to things that are worse than movies, he has had to do things and has seen things that still haunt him to this day, and will sadly always haunt him.
On many occasions I have stood there and listened to the horror stories that seem so surreal because as Americans we have a hard time imagining the truths of living in a hell such as Iraq. We struggle to see the outside world that exists away from the United States. We forget that even in our darkest of hours, we are still pretty blessed with just the sole fact of where we have been born. I have listened to my husband as he spoke of the reality of war and as he has told me numerous stories of the things he has had to do. Then I find myself consoling him because, no matter what he has had to do, he managed to bring his guys home. They my struggle with PTSD, TBI's, or some physical injuries, but they are home. I am not saying that every person he deployed with these two times made it back home, because they didn't and those men will ALWAYS hold a place in our hearts, just as their families will. They have never been forgotten and never will be. What I am saying is, the ones he led everyday into a fire fight, IED's, VBED's and much, more more, made it home to their families at the end.
As I write this I think of the question I have been asked too often... "Was it worth it". I struggle with an answer to this. How can I even begin to answer it? If I said "no" I would be lying, yet if I said "yes" I sound so heartless and bitter. Was it worth my husband being injured? Was it worth my family almost being torn apart? Was it worth all of the issues that are battled on a daily basis? Was it worth the fact that Kevin is permanently damaged or the fact that our children are growing up so much differently than most? Was it worth it for me to live life everyday watching the man that use to be so full of life battle demons every day and sadly, every night in his sleep? Was it worth all of this hell we have come to know and I suppose one could say "accept"? As crazy as this may sound, yes it was. What Kevin has done is something that selflessly less than 1% of our population can do and will do. It is people like him that keep the draft from tearing families apart. It is men (and women) such as my husband that should make every American stand tall and be proud to live in a country such as ours. It is the ones such as my husband that have earned the right to be titled as heroes... I look at my husband from the eyes of the woman I am today and could not be more proud of the man I married that has remained so full of strength and bravery. I could not be more proud of the man he is and all that he has sacrificed for not only me and our children, but for ones that don't even know him.
Even though I am proud of him, I do still find myself in a rage of emotions and anger because he has been so injured. I am 28 years old with a husband that is still in the first portion of 31. He should be enjoying life and living for the moments, not "scared" to sleep in fear of what the night terrors will bring or in panic while in unknown situations or constantly on the watch for threats or things that should not be present. I should not see him struggle to move around or be apart of things or even live life. So, does war make me angry? You bet your ass it does. It infuriates me that after acting so selflessly, so many are left broken into pieces that you may be able patch together briefly, yet you know they will always shatter within a matter of hours or if you're lucky days. I make every attempt to keep myself together during those bad days knowing that somewhere, there is a silver lining. And when I catch a glimpse of that lining, I run with it and enjoy every second I have because with the blink of an eye, that moment is over and I am left hoping for one more to shine through. Sometimes it takes weeks or more just to briefly catch that glimpse of "happiness" again.
People immediately assume that we should be thrilled that he has been medically retired. I mean, after all, there will be no more deployments or time away. I would take deployments all over again if it meant Kevin would return to me as the man he once was. Yet, we all know that is something that falls into a fairytale. One can dream, right? I am very relived that he will never deploy again. I am excited to look to the future knowing that holidays won't be spent alone and after eight years of not having my husband home for my birthday, in May I will finally have him home to celebrate it with me. So, yes, I am very thankful that he is home for good now, but it doesn't just make things better and it doesn't take away the pain. To those that may view me as anything except grateful from time to time, don't look at it that way. Instead, look at the smaller picture... Look at what war has left in my house. Look at the pieces that I am constantly battling to keep together. Look at the fact that things...everything... has changed in our house. Kevin is injured and there is nothing I can do. I can't wave a magic wand and make him better. There are things that time can't heal, there are things that are permanent.
With all the bad and all the struggles, we will get through it together. I can't put him back together as I so strongly try to do, but, I can tape up the pieces one by one and enjoy the moments that stay together while they do. When the tape dries out, I can slowly replace them with more and take life day by day, living for that moment we are in, holding on to every good one that we have, and live through any tough ones.
At the end of the day, this is our life and this is what we have been given. I am willing to take the bad to get the moments of good. As crazy as it may sound, those good moments can last me a lifetime. I hold on tight to the amazing glimpses of the old Kevin that like to shine through from time to time.
The past eight years has taught us more about life than many learn in 50. It has taught us the true definition of love, hurt, loneliness, bravery, and life. It has taught us what is worth fighting for and with, and what is just worth letting go. We have learned that it's the smaller things in life that can mean the most and that time is such a precious, precious thing to have. Tell the ones you love that you love them. There is no way to know when those words can never be uttered face to face again. Love the ones you are with and cherish the time you have.
I wrote the above literally seconds after the clock turned to 12:00am. Today is now Monday, January 16 and it is the first moment I have been able to sit down and actually focus a bit. I was at a loss for words over the weekend as to what emotions and thoughts were running through me. And, to be honest, I am still at a loss over it all. Being medically retired from the army isn't like retiring on ones own. It isn't like just quitting a job. It isn't no longer being qualified because you have become lazy or addicted to drugs and wasted your time away. No, being medically retired from the army is honestly not an easy thing to do, yet after months and even more than a year of doctor appointments and briefings, the army decided that Kevin was no longer attainable because of the injuries he had sustained. Eight short years ago I watched him board a bus and head out to MEPS in Atlanta as everything I knew back them changed right before my naive eyes. Here it is, eight years and almost three months from the date he enlisted and within those years we have been through more than most will be of witness to in a lifetime. We have taken on more than one or a couple should, we have overcome more than anyone thought imaginable. My husband has literally lived in hell as he survived months in a war zone, on two separate occasions. He has not only lived in hell, he has been a witness to things that are worse than movies, he has had to do things and has seen things that still haunt him to this day, and will sadly always haunt him.
On many occasions I have stood there and listened to the horror stories that seem so surreal because as Americans we have a hard time imagining the truths of living in a hell such as Iraq. We struggle to see the outside world that exists away from the United States. We forget that even in our darkest of hours, we are still pretty blessed with just the sole fact of where we have been born. I have listened to my husband as he spoke of the reality of war and as he has told me numerous stories of the things he has had to do. Then I find myself consoling him because, no matter what he has had to do, he managed to bring his guys home. They my struggle with PTSD, TBI's, or some physical injuries, but they are home. I am not saying that every person he deployed with these two times made it back home, because they didn't and those men will ALWAYS hold a place in our hearts, just as their families will. They have never been forgotten and never will be. What I am saying is, the ones he led everyday into a fire fight, IED's, VBED's and much, more more, made it home to their families at the end.
As I write this I think of the question I have been asked too often... "Was it worth it". I struggle with an answer to this. How can I even begin to answer it? If I said "no" I would be lying, yet if I said "yes" I sound so heartless and bitter. Was it worth my husband being injured? Was it worth my family almost being torn apart? Was it worth all of the issues that are battled on a daily basis? Was it worth the fact that Kevin is permanently damaged or the fact that our children are growing up so much differently than most? Was it worth it for me to live life everyday watching the man that use to be so full of life battle demons every day and sadly, every night in his sleep? Was it worth all of this hell we have come to know and I suppose one could say "accept"? As crazy as this may sound, yes it was. What Kevin has done is something that selflessly less than 1% of our population can do and will do. It is people like him that keep the draft from tearing families apart. It is men (and women) such as my husband that should make every American stand tall and be proud to live in a country such as ours. It is the ones such as my husband that have earned the right to be titled as heroes... I look at my husband from the eyes of the woman I am today and could not be more proud of the man I married that has remained so full of strength and bravery. I could not be more proud of the man he is and all that he has sacrificed for not only me and our children, but for ones that don't even know him.
Even though I am proud of him, I do still find myself in a rage of emotions and anger because he has been so injured. I am 28 years old with a husband that is still in the first portion of 31. He should be enjoying life and living for the moments, not "scared" to sleep in fear of what the night terrors will bring or in panic while in unknown situations or constantly on the watch for threats or things that should not be present. I should not see him struggle to move around or be apart of things or even live life. So, does war make me angry? You bet your ass it does. It infuriates me that after acting so selflessly, so many are left broken into pieces that you may be able patch together briefly, yet you know they will always shatter within a matter of hours or if you're lucky days. I make every attempt to keep myself together during those bad days knowing that somewhere, there is a silver lining. And when I catch a glimpse of that lining, I run with it and enjoy every second I have because with the blink of an eye, that moment is over and I am left hoping for one more to shine through. Sometimes it takes weeks or more just to briefly catch that glimpse of "happiness" again.
People immediately assume that we should be thrilled that he has been medically retired. I mean, after all, there will be no more deployments or time away. I would take deployments all over again if it meant Kevin would return to me as the man he once was. Yet, we all know that is something that falls into a fairytale. One can dream, right? I am very relived that he will never deploy again. I am excited to look to the future knowing that holidays won't be spent alone and after eight years of not having my husband home for my birthday, in May I will finally have him home to celebrate it with me. So, yes, I am very thankful that he is home for good now, but it doesn't just make things better and it doesn't take away the pain. To those that may view me as anything except grateful from time to time, don't look at it that way. Instead, look at the smaller picture... Look at what war has left in my house. Look at the pieces that I am constantly battling to keep together. Look at the fact that things...everything... has changed in our house. Kevin is injured and there is nothing I can do. I can't wave a magic wand and make him better. There are things that time can't heal, there are things that are permanent.
With all the bad and all the struggles, we will get through it together. I can't put him back together as I so strongly try to do, but, I can tape up the pieces one by one and enjoy the moments that stay together while they do. When the tape dries out, I can slowly replace them with more and take life day by day, living for that moment we are in, holding on to every good one that we have, and live through any tough ones.
At the end of the day, this is our life and this is what we have been given. I am willing to take the bad to get the moments of good. As crazy as it may sound, those good moments can last me a lifetime. I hold on tight to the amazing glimpses of the old Kevin that like to shine through from time to time.
The past eight years has taught us more about life than many learn in 50. It has taught us the true definition of love, hurt, loneliness, bravery, and life. It has taught us what is worth fighting for and with, and what is just worth letting go. We have learned that it's the smaller things in life that can mean the most and that time is such a precious, precious thing to have. Tell the ones you love that you love them. There is no way to know when those words can never be uttered face to face again. Love the ones you are with and cherish the time you have.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Re-Evaluate the Life You Live
How many mornings do most people wake up, roll out of bed and start their day not realizing just how blessed and fortunate they are? Sure, they may have a stack of bills, or a week a chaos between work and children and they may have to sit in the dreaded traffic to and from work. Does that make life that bad or does it make it to where people should be grateful? To me, the vast majority of people should take a step back, re-evaluate their lives, and just be thankful. I say this because I have personally had the experiences of not only fighting for my oldest daughters chance of survival and my husbands adjustment after combat and all that war does to a soldier with his experience; but I have also been faced with fighting for my own life on quite a few occasions over the 28 years that I have been living. Yet, through it all, I still look at things in the optimistic way, even if I can't go and do what everyone else can on a daily basis. I never know what is ahead of me.
Let me tell you some of what I have been through:
At the age of 2 I spent a few weeks in a burn unit in downtown Atlanta, GA for pulling a pot of boiling water on me. The water left me with severe burns and scars that I have to this day, covering me from chin down. I was immediately admitted into the Grady Burn Unit. To this day I hate the feeling of hot water so I will wash everything I possibly can in the dishwasher. The smell of burning skin still haunts me and leaves me incredibly sick feeling. Yet, the thing that matters the most, I am still here. That day I had someone watching over me.
At the age of 5 we were in a real bad car wreck in GA one evening. My mom was driving and someone pulled out in front of her. I was at the age of defiance and had unbuckled myself because I was determined to sit in the front seat. During this time, my brother, who was two also became unbuckled. When the wreck happened, I was thrown from the backseat into the front floorboard, as was my little brother. By the grace of God, I was injured pretty bad, yet my baby brother was not. He landed on top of me and walked away with no trauma. I landed head first into glass that shattered upon impact and was left for awhile pulling glass out of my head. When the paramedics arrived I was unconscious with blood everywhere. My mother had been injured and was unable to do much from her being knocked out at first. She had to have stitches in her chin. I had a pretty bad concussion, glass in my head, and stitches in my knee. Again, I survived this experience. Now days, I refuse to even move the car unless everyone is buckled up and my kids are securely fastened in their seats. I have been known to pull over or just stop the car if they aren't.
Past these things, from the age of 9 I started to experience health problems with my thyroid and at the age of 14 problems with the female organs. If you have been reading this blog for awhile, then you are aware of my health struggles. At 22 my thyroid had to be removed and I am life dependent on the medications now. Over the past almost three years, I have spent time in the hospital hooked up to machines and going through procedures and testing because my body rejected the thyroid hormone. I had real low blood pressure and a real slow heartbeat. Again, surprising the doctors, I fought through these times refusing to give up.
At the age of 14, I was told I would never have children. Yet, at 17 I became pregnant. I had my children at 18, 19, and 23. Of course many will say that is way too young and, while I do agree, I also think that God had plans for me and was watching over me because at the age of 25 I had no other choice but to undergo a hysterectomy. I lost all my chances of ever having another child again. At 25 and still at 28 I struggle everyday with this. I am constantly in a personal battle trying to understand it more.
Lastly, on two different occasions late last year I was admitted into the hospital for Renal Failure. The first time, I was in kidney failure for four days at our house, refusing to go to the ER because the doctors at Beaumont said the pain is normal. Why would I overreact and go in to the ER if this was the case. Yet, at that point I had already had to undergo many surgeries and knew something wasn't right. I got to the point I was struggling to breathe, couldn't walk, and had spent four days not being able to urinate. I started to vomit and knew I had no other choice than to go in. Kevin rushed me to the ER and within no time we discovered I was in kidney failure and that my whole body was in fact, shutting down. The ER doctor came into my room, sat down with tears in his eyes, and informed us they didn't know what to expect from all this and couldn't make any promises. At the age of 28, I laid on my bed, called my dad and broke down into tears. I had a husband and three children that needed me and yet, I had no idea if I would ever make it back home to them. For days and months I fought for my life. I went into renal failure again a couple months later.
To this day I am not able to jump up and do as I use to (before last year), I am constantly having to monitor what I eat, drink, and even the medications I take for the above reasons and a few more reasons I have no talked about. I fought for my life and will continue to do so. Nothing is ever guaranteed in this life we live and too many like to complain and have pity parties over things that hand fulls of people would fight to have. No matter where we are in life, at most times, life is what we make it. Anyone can turn a negative situation into a positive one, yet there are far too many that choose not too. I often wonder why that is. I know my optimistic outlook can at times drive others crazy, but I feel if I were any other way I would not have survived the past experiences. Even if I can't work full time like I use to or have a few drinks because too much on my kidneys is real bad and can end my life instantly, my life is far from over. Even if I have more surgeries that lie ahead, which I will, it won't hold me down or stop me (just for note, I have had more than 11 surgeries now). There is a reason that God has left me here. In ways, I wonder what is ahead and if something big will happen. I wonder if there are ways I will make a difference in other people. I hope so. To only be 28, I feel so far above the actual age from experiences in my life and health issues.
The reason I got on this kick is because I saw a video this morning and it really touched me. Two Iraqi boys were left in shoe boxes following their births years ago and were discovered by a Nun. This Nun took them to the orphanage where they spent some time before a woman from Australia found them. She originally took them back to Australia for surgeries and ended up adopting them. They lost a lot due to chemical warfare, like their hands and who they are and have no idea how old they are. There was nothing left with them in their shoe boxes. This morning I watched a video with Emmanuel in one of the most inspirational and motivational performances that I have ever seen. It reminded me again of just how valuable life really is. Please take a moment to watch it and be prepared to tear up. I know I did! Amazing how far he has come, as well as his brother thanks to this amazing Australian family that took them in and made them their own.
Let me tell you some of what I have been through:
At the age of 2 I spent a few weeks in a burn unit in downtown Atlanta, GA for pulling a pot of boiling water on me. The water left me with severe burns and scars that I have to this day, covering me from chin down. I was immediately admitted into the Grady Burn Unit. To this day I hate the feeling of hot water so I will wash everything I possibly can in the dishwasher. The smell of burning skin still haunts me and leaves me incredibly sick feeling. Yet, the thing that matters the most, I am still here. That day I had someone watching over me.
At the age of 5 we were in a real bad car wreck in GA one evening. My mom was driving and someone pulled out in front of her. I was at the age of defiance and had unbuckled myself because I was determined to sit in the front seat. During this time, my brother, who was two also became unbuckled. When the wreck happened, I was thrown from the backseat into the front floorboard, as was my little brother. By the grace of God, I was injured pretty bad, yet my baby brother was not. He landed on top of me and walked away with no trauma. I landed head first into glass that shattered upon impact and was left for awhile pulling glass out of my head. When the paramedics arrived I was unconscious with blood everywhere. My mother had been injured and was unable to do much from her being knocked out at first. She had to have stitches in her chin. I had a pretty bad concussion, glass in my head, and stitches in my knee. Again, I survived this experience. Now days, I refuse to even move the car unless everyone is buckled up and my kids are securely fastened in their seats. I have been known to pull over or just stop the car if they aren't.
Past these things, from the age of 9 I started to experience health problems with my thyroid and at the age of 14 problems with the female organs. If you have been reading this blog for awhile, then you are aware of my health struggles. At 22 my thyroid had to be removed and I am life dependent on the medications now. Over the past almost three years, I have spent time in the hospital hooked up to machines and going through procedures and testing because my body rejected the thyroid hormone. I had real low blood pressure and a real slow heartbeat. Again, surprising the doctors, I fought through these times refusing to give up.
At the age of 14, I was told I would never have children. Yet, at 17 I became pregnant. I had my children at 18, 19, and 23. Of course many will say that is way too young and, while I do agree, I also think that God had plans for me and was watching over me because at the age of 25 I had no other choice but to undergo a hysterectomy. I lost all my chances of ever having another child again. At 25 and still at 28 I struggle everyday with this. I am constantly in a personal battle trying to understand it more.
Lastly, on two different occasions late last year I was admitted into the hospital for Renal Failure. The first time, I was in kidney failure for four days at our house, refusing to go to the ER because the doctors at Beaumont said the pain is normal. Why would I overreact and go in to the ER if this was the case. Yet, at that point I had already had to undergo many surgeries and knew something wasn't right. I got to the point I was struggling to breathe, couldn't walk, and had spent four days not being able to urinate. I started to vomit and knew I had no other choice than to go in. Kevin rushed me to the ER and within no time we discovered I was in kidney failure and that my whole body was in fact, shutting down. The ER doctor came into my room, sat down with tears in his eyes, and informed us they didn't know what to expect from all this and couldn't make any promises. At the age of 28, I laid on my bed, called my dad and broke down into tears. I had a husband and three children that needed me and yet, I had no idea if I would ever make it back home to them. For days and months I fought for my life. I went into renal failure again a couple months later.
To this day I am not able to jump up and do as I use to (before last year), I am constantly having to monitor what I eat, drink, and even the medications I take for the above reasons and a few more reasons I have no talked about. I fought for my life and will continue to do so. Nothing is ever guaranteed in this life we live and too many like to complain and have pity parties over things that hand fulls of people would fight to have. No matter where we are in life, at most times, life is what we make it. Anyone can turn a negative situation into a positive one, yet there are far too many that choose not too. I often wonder why that is. I know my optimistic outlook can at times drive others crazy, but I feel if I were any other way I would not have survived the past experiences. Even if I can't work full time like I use to or have a few drinks because too much on my kidneys is real bad and can end my life instantly, my life is far from over. Even if I have more surgeries that lie ahead, which I will, it won't hold me down or stop me (just for note, I have had more than 11 surgeries now). There is a reason that God has left me here. In ways, I wonder what is ahead and if something big will happen. I wonder if there are ways I will make a difference in other people. I hope so. To only be 28, I feel so far above the actual age from experiences in my life and health issues.
The reason I got on this kick is because I saw a video this morning and it really touched me. Two Iraqi boys were left in shoe boxes following their births years ago and were discovered by a Nun. This Nun took them to the orphanage where they spent some time before a woman from Australia found them. She originally took them back to Australia for surgeries and ended up adopting them. They lost a lot due to chemical warfare, like their hands and who they are and have no idea how old they are. There was nothing left with them in their shoe boxes. This morning I watched a video with Emmanuel in one of the most inspirational and motivational performances that I have ever seen. It reminded me again of just how valuable life really is. Please take a moment to watch it and be prepared to tear up. I know I did! Amazing how far he has come, as well as his brother thanks to this amazing Australian family that took them in and made them their own.
Monday, September 26, 2011
I've Learned
I've learned.... life can be taken away at any given moment, so we must cherish the time we are in.
I've learned.... even the best of people will make mistakes and to forgive takes a big person.
I've learned.... it really is the little things in life that mean the most.
I've learned.... time is valuable, therefore we must cherish every moment we are given.
I've learned.... that no matter how much someone hurts us, if we love them, we should never leave a situation or end a call with hurtful words... After all, we are never guaranteed the next minute, day, week, month, or year.
I've learned.... that we each have more strength inside of us than we know or realize. Sometimes it just takes unusual or unforeseen circumstances to bring that strength out.
I've learned.... the ones I least expected to be here for me were in fact, the ones that kept me going during my hard times.
I've learned.... that not everyone that promises to be there, will be there in the end or when most needed.
I've learned... that no matter the distance or time apart, true relationships and friendships can never be broken.
I've learned.... the meaning of true love every time I look at my husband and children.
I've learned... that I would not be the person I am today without my husband and children.
I've learned.... that time and distance are never an obstacle in life when hearts truly matter.
I've learned.... no matter how old you are, maturity is measured more by the experiences you have overcome and gone through as well as the way you handle situations and obstacles you face.
I've learned.... even in my darkest of times, family won't always be there to help guide you through. Sometimes it's the ones you least expect that help you pick up the pieces and push though. Families are not always blood...
I've learned.... even at my weakest of moments, I am still strong.
I've learned.... no matter how much I try to hold on to my children's innocence, life has other ideas in store.
I've learned.... my children are only little for a short time, I better love and cherish every second I have with them.
I've learned... my husband and those closest to me, really are my backbone when I need strength.
I've learned.... true love never gives up.
I've learned.... no matter how much I try to make someone see my point of view on things, there are just times they never will.
I've learned.... death doesn't factor in age when taking someone we love.
I've learned.... to smile through my weaknesses and learn from every experience.
I've learned.... I may not be where I planned to be at this point in my life; but where I am now, is where I am supposed to be and I love what I have been blessed with.
I've learned.... things worth having are things always worth waiting for.
I've learned.... time and distance does bring two hearts closer together.
I've learned.... the harsh reality and the truths on life.
I've learned.... life is definitely not measured in the breaths we take, but more so in the moments that take our breath away.
I've learned.... no matter how rough times may get or what life may throw at us, it is always worth the fight.
***More to Come***
What have you learned?
I've learned.... even the best of people will make mistakes and to forgive takes a big person.
I've learned.... it really is the little things in life that mean the most.
I've learned.... time is valuable, therefore we must cherish every moment we are given.
I've learned.... that no matter how much someone hurts us, if we love them, we should never leave a situation or end a call with hurtful words... After all, we are never guaranteed the next minute, day, week, month, or year.
I've learned.... that we each have more strength inside of us than we know or realize. Sometimes it just takes unusual or unforeseen circumstances to bring that strength out.
I've learned.... the ones I least expected to be here for me were in fact, the ones that kept me going during my hard times.
I've learned.... that not everyone that promises to be there, will be there in the end or when most needed.
I've learned... that no matter the distance or time apart, true relationships and friendships can never be broken.
I've learned.... the meaning of true love every time I look at my husband and children.
I've learned... that I would not be the person I am today without my husband and children.
I've learned.... that time and distance are never an obstacle in life when hearts truly matter.
I've learned.... no matter how old you are, maturity is measured more by the experiences you have overcome and gone through as well as the way you handle situations and obstacles you face.
I've learned.... even in my darkest of times, family won't always be there to help guide you through. Sometimes it's the ones you least expect that help you pick up the pieces and push though. Families are not always blood...
I've learned.... even at my weakest of moments, I am still strong.
I've learned.... no matter how much I try to hold on to my children's innocence, life has other ideas in store.
I've learned.... my children are only little for a short time, I better love and cherish every second I have with them.
I've learned... my husband and those closest to me, really are my backbone when I need strength.
I've learned.... true love never gives up.
I've learned.... no matter how much I try to make someone see my point of view on things, there are just times they never will.
I've learned.... death doesn't factor in age when taking someone we love.
I've learned.... to smile through my weaknesses and learn from every experience.
I've learned.... I may not be where I planned to be at this point in my life; but where I am now, is where I am supposed to be and I love what I have been blessed with.
I've learned.... things worth having are things always worth waiting for.
I've learned.... time and distance does bring two hearts closer together.
I've learned.... the harsh reality and the truths on life.
I've learned.... life is definitely not measured in the breaths we take, but more so in the moments that take our breath away.
I've learned.... no matter how rough times may get or what life may throw at us, it is always worth the fight.
***More to Come***
What have you learned?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
My Heart Just Aches
Over the past couple of weeks my inbox on Facebook has become overwhelmingly full of the Breast Cancer Awareness emails that we are all so familiar with. As we all know Breast Cancer Awareness month is next month and FB female friends always get a jump start in September playing the "update your status with..." email game. Typically the emails consist of the color or something or where do you like to keep your purse with an answer that sounds somewhat sexual. It always raises eyebrows of the men and giggles from the women. Well, this year it seems to raise a little more than good humor in smiles in some women. I for one have no desire or interest to even play along this year. As always, I will speak my mind in hopes to raise awareness for Breast Cancer because it holds a special place in my heart. It has run through my family like crazy, Kevin's grandmother passed away from it when he was two, and in 2006 my best friend was by his mothers side as she passed away after battling cancer off and on for years! However the game this year is asking for women to write their status as... "I'm (your birthday month) and craving (your birthdate that ends up being coded with candy/food)" which to the majority would imply you are expecting. Notice right below to see the email I am referring to, then below where I continue with my thoughts...
It’s that time of year again in support of Breast Cancer Awareness! We all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status? or the way we like to have our handbag handy?
It’s that time of year again in support of Breast Cancer Awareness! We all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status? or the way we like to have our handbag handy?
Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we’re doing this and helped raise awareness!
DO NOT tell any males what the status’ mean, keep them guessing And please Broadcast this to all ur female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year
I did my part… So now its YOUR turn!
The idea is to choose the month You were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round the world.
So you’ll write… I’m (your birth month) weeks and I’m craving (your birth date) !!! as your status
Example: Feb 14th= I’m 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!!
So, after reading this, maybe some of you can instantly see my reasons on not taking part in any of this. It is a slap in the face to those of us that want (more) children, yet are not able to have them. "Hello, I am 28 years old, a mother of three (thankfully!) while enduring incredibly high risk pregnancies, with major medical problems that has led to an extreme amount of surgeries, intense chronic pain, and never again being able to experience pregnancy, growth, and the delivery of a precious newborn." Can I place that as my status? Probably not because it would rub people the wrong way. Instead, we have to look for a way to adopt a newborn, which many of us know is a very complicated process. There is no way I could put this implication on my status while trying to raise awareness. I had many surgeries with many complications, almost costing me my life, in order to have a full hysterectomy in order to save my life in the end. There is nothing right about any of this. What I would do for another baby and how my heart just aches for that little one....
What about the ones who are capable of having children, yet have not at this point, and place this on their status? Is it right for families and friends to read so much into it and become filled with joy and pure happiness and more excitement than they know what to do with it all because they instantly think someone is pregnant? Why is it acceptable to toy with the emotions of others by placing this as a status? I know there are others like me that see this and their hearts just sink because there are so many actively playing along with this, probably not seeing the harm in any of it because we know that it would not be done intentionally. Yet, it does not help to ease the pain or sinking feeling to ones that are in the shoes that I am in or ones that have never been blessed with having a child.
In the end, this is just not something I agree with as a way to raise awareness for Breast Cancer. There are many more ways to do such a a thing.
So, after reading this, maybe some of you can instantly see my reasons on not taking part in any of this. It is a slap in the face to those of us that want (more) children, yet are not able to have them. "Hello, I am 28 years old, a mother of three (thankfully!) while enduring incredibly high risk pregnancies, with major medical problems that has led to an extreme amount of surgeries, intense chronic pain, and never again being able to experience pregnancy, growth, and the delivery of a precious newborn." Can I place that as my status? Probably not because it would rub people the wrong way. Instead, we have to look for a way to adopt a newborn, which many of us know is a very complicated process. There is no way I could put this implication on my status while trying to raise awareness. I had many surgeries with many complications, almost costing me my life, in order to have a full hysterectomy in order to save my life in the end. There is nothing right about any of this. What I would do for another baby and how my heart just aches for that little one....
What about the ones who are capable of having children, yet have not at this point, and place this on their status? Is it right for families and friends to read so much into it and become filled with joy and pure happiness and more excitement than they know what to do with it all because they instantly think someone is pregnant? Why is it acceptable to toy with the emotions of others by placing this as a status? I know there are others like me that see this and their hearts just sink because there are so many actively playing along with this, probably not seeing the harm in any of it because we know that it would not be done intentionally. Yet, it does not help to ease the pain or sinking feeling to ones that are in the shoes that I am in or ones that have never been blessed with having a child.
In the end, this is just not something I agree with as a way to raise awareness for Breast Cancer. There are many more ways to do such a a thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)