Here We Go Again... Another Abdominal Surgery....

This afternoon was spent at the surgeons office, to receive the official news, in which we already expected, that I DO in fact have to undergo another pelvic surgery. As most of you may know, for years I have had issues and health problems in the female region due to endometreosis and ovarian cysts. I have also had multiple surgeries on my pelvic/abdominal area. More so that any one person should ever have to go through. In October of 2008, a surgeon out here had to remove my uterus in hopes of it helping the situation. Once he removed it (which he said was the worst looking uterus he had ever seen) and cleaned the endometreosis and adhesion's out, I started feeling a little better ~ pain wise.

Not too long following the hysterectomy, the pain was back as intense as ever and the cysts kept forming and rupturing. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. In August of 2010, the GYN department on post decided it was time to remove my ovaries. So, there we were again awaiting an oopherectomy. His plan was to remove my cervix at that time as well,  however due to the adhesion's and endometreosis that were still forming everywhere, he was unable to even get to my cervix. He let us know that I am a very complicated case and he is not qualified for it. He explained then that I would have to see a oncologist, because they have more experience in removing the cervix when it is under major complications. Looking back, I am glad he didn't even try, considering his incompetence placed me on my death bed... He was the one that did not cauterize the sites when he removed my ovaries. This left me bleeding internally and put me into kidney failure. When we went to the ER I was literally dying. Due to this, I now have permanent issues with my kidneys, went into kidney failure a second time in November, and have remained anemic, as well as many other issues. 

Since the surgery, I have felt better because I no longer have ovarian cysts. Sadly though, I still have a great amount of pain from my cervix. I was referred to Dr. Farnam ~ who is an AMAZING doctor that specializes in complicated GYN surgeries. I saw him a little over a week ago for my consult and he told me then that my cervix does indeed need to be removed. However, he did not promise it would alleviate all the issues and pain. Today he went into greater detail. What it boils down to is he will not know the severity of my situation until he has opened me up. This surgery could take thirty minutes or it could last over three hours. His goal is to remove my cervix and clean any adhesion's. If he sees that removing my cervix is too complicated from it being wrapped up in my colon, bladder, and whatever else he will have no other choice but to close me back up and schedule another surgery once I recover from this one. He was explaining that if my cervix is in too much of a complicated place, he will have to call in Dr. Gomez (my life saving surgeon last year when I went into kidney failure. If it weren't for him, I would not be here any longer). Dr. Gomez is an excellent surgeon that would work hand in hand with Dr. Farnam is needed in order to avoid bowel damages and to leave me with a colostomy bag. I love the fact that he knows what he is doing, yet is not too arrogant or does not have too much pride that he refuses to ask for assistance. If you want to look him up, his website is www.farnammd.com. Dr. Farnam also proceeded to tell me that if he could not remove my cervix, even with Dr. Gomez, then he would have no other choice than to refer me to the Mayo clinic next. Typically following this procedure, patients are sent home. With that being said, I will more than likely be kept in the hospital due to my medical problems and the complications that could arise. He is also very pissed with the incompetent doctors at Beaumont that allowed last year to happen and to see what it has done to me. Dr. Farnam also informed me that he cannot promise this will leave me pain free. Scary enough, all the damages done last year and over the last 15 years have more than likely left me with permanent pain in the pelvic and abdominal regions. He explained there is a very high chance that I will always be on pain meds and that there will be certain things I can never do or have to limit myself to...

My thoughts, well, I am scared because I have to undergo ANOTHER surgery. This makes 11 surgeries in 9 years. This makes 8 on my abdomen overall and the fourth surgery since last August, three of which have been abdominal and one spinal. While I am scared, I am also very angry and extremely tired of this. I hate the surgeries. I hate the medical problems that I have. I find myself angry a lot lately due to the fact that I can no longer have children and the ones I did have I had a real hard time carrying and they were all full of bedrest and pre-term labor, as well as other issues. I find myself wishing that I could be like many others and the reality that I can't do what others can breaks my heart. I see many take advantage of their good health, when they should be more grateful for it. Yet, through all of this, I find myself happy and beyond thankful to still be here and be alive, when I know that I shouldn't be after last year and the years prior to that. I just wish others understood that life has not been easy and I do have to fight for my health to remain stable. I have a lot more emotions to this all, but none that I am ready to share on here with everyone... At least not yet. I may be sometime very soon.....

What I ask of each of you reading, please just say a prayer for the complications to be minimal and for this to go without further dangers. As well as a prayer that I feel better from the spinal surgery I had in June very soon! We really need this to go as smooth as possible and for the recovery to go without issues. Thank you to the ones that have stayed by my side through all these health scares and issues. I would be lost without each of you. The more I know, the more I will update on here. Right now, I feel kind of at a loss for words out of the concern, fear, and pure exhaustion.

Thank you everyone!

Wordless Wednesday

- Posted using BlogPress from Britt's iPhone

Cuffed & Shackled

One night before Kevin took Convalescence Leave to recover from surgery,  he came home with handcuffs and shackles in his hand. He is a platoon sergeant and as a few soldiers that are currently locked up for a variety of reasons. When he goes to the prison to escort them somewhere, he has to place them in handcuffs and shackles for everyone's safety and flight risks. This was the first time he had ever come home with these items. Typically they go later during the morning time, so they can check these things out just prior to heading to the prison. In this case, the appointment was so early, that he wasn't able to wait until the next morning. When the kids saw the handcuffs and shackles, they became instantly amazed and Nic told Kevin he was going to lock Caitlin up. As you can see in the photos, he did just that! When he managed to get her in these, I had to take a picture because her expression was just priceless! The photo that shows Nicholas holding the broom, is him pretending to have a gun... What can I say? He is ALL boy!

Cool, New Sleep T's

A little over a week ago, the kids received a package from Grannie and Grandpa that left the little ones full of excitement! Each of the kids received surprises, as well as T-shirts from their trip to South GA this summer. Grandpa decided that they each needed XL shirts so they could have sleep shirts. I think it was more so that they could have sleep shirts and always think of Grannie and Grandpa! :) Breanna, Caitlin, and Nic instantly out their shirts on and always rush me to wash them so they can sleep in their shirts. It's so cute and sweet to see them like this!

We miss  and love you Grannie and Grandpa!!!! Hope to see you soon!

Summer Storms

In El Paso it is on a very rare occasion that we see rain clouds and have storms rolling in. However, it never fails that once we reach the mid to late summer season, we see some isolated storms come through this city that we live in. They say the sun shines on average 302 days a year here, which would be the reason behind us being referred to as the Sun City.

When the storms came through during the first few days of this week, the kids became frightened by the sound of the rumbling thunder. To me, I saw no big deal in it and opened all windows and doors, allowing the wind to blow through the house and to let the smell of rain take over. Then it hit me, the kids are not use to the east coast storms like I am. They have never known it to really storm.

Of course, after all the storms and rain that has come through every evening and night, not only have the kids found it entertaining to run outside and splash in puddles, Kevin and I have had a blast taking the XTerra out on some easy riding trails just to ride through the water. Nicholas has now discovered that he can make some mad puddles in the backyard with the water hose... Needless to say, we have caught him "wheeling" while on his bike! I guess the genes run through thick in him with a mom and dad that love to get out in the muddy puddles with 4 wheeler's and big trucks!!!

The last photo is the one that stands out to us the most. While we were out driving, we noticed the storm had a very red tint to it. It was very odd and of course we had to take pics!

Falling in Love All Over Again

After three hours of Kevin being in the OR and me being on the verge of a breakdown because the procedure that was only supposed to last a little over an hour ended up being over three hours. Panic was beginning to set in to the point I had to ask the Red Cross Volunteer woman if she could find out what was going on with my husband. Of course, she went to the OR area to check the status of his procedure and find out what was taking so long. She was only away from a few minutes and came back with the news that they were in the process of transferring him from the OR to the recovery area and that his doctor would be visiting with me within moments.

Not long after the conversation with this sweet lady, Kevin's neurosurgeon came in to get me and Nicholas. As we were walking to the recovery area, Dr. Caram explained all that had taken place and why it had taken double to time. Once he had made the incision and was in the neck area, he was able to see the extent of the damages. He was able to see that the MRI did not show how horrible things really were and what had been done to Kevin after being hit with so many IED's. Kevin has severe arthritis and bone spurs in his neck as well as the bones crushing down on his neck. There was a lot of drilling and moving around in order to replace a disc and perform a fusion. He had bones pressing down on the nerves that was causing a constant pain in his neck, shoulders, and stabbing headaches. 

As we approached the recovery area, I saw my husband lying in the bed not even knowing who he was or where he was at that moment. I saw a side of him that I had never seen, even after he had his arm surgeries he wasn't as bad. He kept lifting his arms and placing his hands against his heads in hopes of trying to ease the pain. The good sign that I immediately picked up on was that my husband was lifting his arms again with no problem. But, to see him in that amount of pain I felt my heart just ache. For about an hour they kept pushing the pain meds through him in hopes to alleviate some of the pain. I felt helpless seeing him this way. Yet, he kept grabbing onto me and keeping me as close to him as he could.

About an hour after being in the recovery area, we were taken a few floors up to a room that he would be staying the night in. During the few hours that I was able to stay with him, Kevin kept me laying beside him, holding me close, which Nic played on my phone or watched a movie. I felt like at some points I was Kev's crutch as he tried to hard to not let me see the pain he was in. I don't think he realized that it all showed through just by looking at his eyes. Through this time, Kev kept telling me how much he loves me and yet, I still felt helpless because I couldn't just make him feel better.

During this time, I felt my heart break into a million pieces as I watched the battles, yet at the same time I felt my heart swell with pride knowing what all he has done and been through. I caught myself on multiple moments after he pulled me beside him to lay with him on his bed, tearing up and trying my hardest not to shed even a single tear. I mean, how do you explain to someone fresh out of surgery the thoughts that were going through my mind. Everything from the past two deployments and his injuries became raw and fresh to me all over again. My husband has honestly lived through the true hell of combat. He has done, seen, witnessed what we all fear or worse, what we all imagine the most difficult situations to be in war. He pulled convoy security, he did the recovery missions, he was involved in multiple firefights. He's lived the true hell of war.

For the first time since his return in 2007 and again in 2009, everything truly hit me. It all came falling down on me like a pile of bricks. When I returned home that evening, the tears just poured. I often hear many wives mad and yelling at the world because their spouse is no longer the person that they sent off to war. I know this is true.... Yet, how can one find so much anger in this situation. All I could think was, my husband came home. Even if he has severe problems with PTSD, TBI, sleep apnea, skin cancer, and everything else that has come out of the deployments, we can work through it all. He's home with me and our kids and he is alive. There were so many times over there when things could have gone differently. I could have been one of the many that had to live through the feared and dreaded speech of "On behalf of the United States Army, we regret to inform you...", yet I wasn't. I didn't have to explain to our children that their daddy wasn't coming home. I haven't had to rebuild my life, alone, while daily just trying to keep it together because my spouse didn't come home physically.

So, here I am, lucky and relieved because I can lay my head down every night with Kevin beside me. As I write this, I feel selfish and in pain because I know how many others there are that are no longer able to experience this any longer. In the end, regardless of what war has brought to my house, I no longer have doubts, fears, or worries that we not overcome everything. Sure, life and marriage won't always be easy, nor do I expect it to be. However, something during the recovery period following Kev's surgery hit me hard and I found myself falling in love all over again with this man that I met years ago and have been blessed to share my life with. War changes people, but it's what you make of it in the end and the determination a spouse and veteran have to make things work. I welcome the new changes that lie ahead, including the challenges that come after combat.  Kevin will never be the same mentally or physically again as he was before he ever deployed, yet he will always be the man I love and continue sharing my life with. 

Fun in the Hot July Sun

A couple weeks ago the kids headed to the backyard to play and run around in the nice weather we were having. They asked us if they could play in the sprinklers we bought them last year. They never even made it to the point of hooking everything up, when Nic decided to grab the water hose and start a battle in attempt to soak the girls. As soon as this started, Caitlin of course took off running and Bre managed to get herself cornered at the back wall with a teal plastic container lid as her human shield. 

Her "shield" didn't work as she hoped, which of course turned a battle into a war! Breanna somehow managed to snag the water hose from Nicholas, who was able to get a grip back on it and around in circles these two ran. It didn't take too terribly long before Breanna managed to have Nicholas soaking wet. Even with his enjoyment and laughter in full swing, this brought on a war between these two. The fought back and forth over the water hose, laughing the entire time! 

Their laughter just makes my heart melt.....

Oh, and the grass looks absolutely amazing and so much better now!!!! :)