4/1 AD Deploys Again....

The weekend before last we bid our farewells and well wishes to amazing soldiers as we watched them walk out of the gym and load the dreaded blue and white buses. The time has come again to see 4/1 AD off to combat and spend the next year praying for their safe return home.....

These are the ones that Kevin has deployed with twice over the past five years. In five years, many of them have headed into their third deployment from Fort Bliss. Many have stayed side by side through it all. They have seen and lived through the true reality and hell of war. They have witnessed and done more than most can every even imagine.... Their deployments have left them with a lot of heartache and hard times, a lot they wished they could just forget.

As most know, Kevin is not deploying because he is being medically discharged from the army due to combat injuries.... mentally and physically. He has also had a few surgeries from injuries that occurred while in Iraq during both deployments. My husband is not at all the same man that we sent to war a few years ago. Iraq took a part of him that I will never get back.

The last weekend of July was spent seeing our friends, who are more like family, off to war. It was spent with Kevin telling other NCO's to watch after certain individuals because this was their first and they are still so young. They were his soldiers. It was spent telling them to maintain their focus and keep their eyes open. It was spent hugging many and crying. The tears come out of the fear of the unknown... What will this next year bring?

Walking through the gym, my heart just ached uncontrollably. I watched as dads refused to put down their newborns, as children smiled up at their parent in uniform stealing their hearts away, as pregnant wives clung to and held their soldier close....knowing their husband would not make it back home in time for the birth of their child. Children were running around, laughing and smiling, not at the age to comprehend what the day was about or the fact it would be so many months before they saw their parent again. Wives held their soldier close, not wanting to let them go. Husbands clung to their wives as though they were the only ones that could hold them up. I was a onlooker, that had no control over my tears as they flowed down my face. The emotions are ones that I can't explain to you, you have to live this life and have been through the deployments to understand. I stood there, knowing how these people felt and yet, even though I knew that I wouldn't have to do it again, I felt incredibly helpless.

As selfishly as it sounds, I stood back as Kevin was shaking hands and hugging his guys, tears in their eyes as well as mine, praying for their safe return....yet thankful that this time I was not sending my husband off to war. I feel horrible for even admitting to this. We have had so many close calls over during the deployments that I can't help to be relieved that he is staying home, that his day of getting out of the army is so close. It's not that I couldn't handle another deployment... It's the fear of not knowing what the year holds, it's the sickening feeling every time someone knocks on the door or a number I have never seen shows up on my caller ID. It's him seeing the children grow up in pictures and the little ones begging me to make their daddy come home. It's a mixture of everything. Yet, I stood there watching him send his brothers off to war, and I felt like he should be going with them. Hell, he felt the exact same way. How could he not? I have now seen him struggle with the reality of knowing that he is getting out and will not be deploying again. He feels his place is overseas with them, yet knows that he can no longer handle the deployments for many reasons. One of the biggest is that he is not able to even wear the gear due to his injuries.

My heart ached for him. It crushed me to see him tearing up and hugging the soldiers that he has fought, bled, trained beside and so much more. The bond they have is one of the most amazing ones that anyone could ever experience. Yet, it makes sense. How could any of us bond like that when we have not had to go through combat such as they have?

As the guys were walking out through the gym doors following family time, I saw many expressions on their faces. It was easy to pin point the ones that have done this multiple times to the ones that were leaving for their first deployments and felt invincible in a way. It was easy to spot the ones that were leaving for the first time and the reality of war was already setting in. To see such young people with fear all over their faces brought back the tears. To see the ones we love leave again, brought on even more tears.

Here we are, a little more than a week after seeing them off, and a little over a week from them heading into Iraq from Kuwait. For the past week we have had one of our close friends, Tasha staying with us as she awaits her deployment day. Again, I am not ready to do this. Her deployment day seems to be sneaking up on us. How I wish I could just stop time....

Now, I would like to take the time to ask each of you to PLEASE say a prayer now and continue praying for 4/1 AD as they get into country and begin this deployment. Pray for their families left behind holding up the homefront. Pray for their safety and well beings. Look at your family and hold them close because others selflessly deploy and all will in many ways pay the price of freedom....some may pay the ultimate sacrifice... Cherish the moments in your life, large and small....

To the ones we saw off, know that we love each of you and will be here when you step off the planes! Stay alert and never lose your focus! Come home safely!!! Not a day will go by that we won't say prayers!

Kahlil and Kevin are in the larger pic. They have deployed together twice and been through hell together. The kids are standing in a photo with Justin. This is his first time over. The rest are of Kev seeing his buddies off.

We love you guys!

What a Week

What a week we have had! Quite honestly, I remember bits and pieces from this past week after being drugged up on all the meds they sent me home with following surgery. Well, let me re-phrase that, the meds that I was put on at the ER. On Saturday hours after the surgery, the pain became so intense that Kevin had to take me to the ER to get me stronger pain pills. I ended up being prescribed types of pain pills, a muscle relaxer and phenegran to keep it all down. This is why I don't recall too much of that week. The couch has become my best friend, as it hurts to much to walk up the steps and it's the only place I can find a comfortable position. Pillows on all around my upper body and a body pillow that I am cuddling up to. FYI: I really miss sleeping in my bed next to my husband! I keep hoping that in the next couple of days I will be able to sleep upstairs. The pain is still pretty intense and the recovery harder than I ever anticipated. I am not able to sit because of the pain, when I do, I sit crooked. Thankfully, the kids were actually pretty well behaved and Kev was amazing with taking care of me throughout the week with him being home.

During the week, the kids constantly asked me if I needed anything. Every time I moved, someone was near me asking what I needed. I couldn't even head to the bathroom without being told to just stay where I was and let them take care of me. Sorry guys, this one is a little bit too personal for that. I told them unless they could empty my bladder then had to move. haha. I did end up back in the ER over the week for not being able to urinate for more than 24 hours. They put a catheter in to empty me out and there was a lot to empty. Then it took me about 15 more hours to be able to go on my own.

On Wednesday the girls made a tent in their room with blankets and slept on the floor. On Thursday they asked me if they could do it in the backyard and sleep there. They made the tent, but slept inside. I'm pretty sure the tent was just for them to play in. Real cute idea! I love how these three have amazing imaginations!

On Friday, they decided they wanted to make the tent again, only this time we broke out the two man tent and put it up in the backyard. Once up, they grabbed their sleeping bags, more blankets, pillows, flashlights, and other things and headed to the backyard for a night of camping out. To our surprise, they actually slept all night in the tent! Kevin and I never thought they would make it through the night. The next morning they could not stop talking about how awesome it was to camp in the backyard! Made us feel like awesome and cool parents! lol. They asked again for Saturday night, but that idea only lasted a few minutes before they realized they would rather stay in their room. Probably because of how dark it was...I wish I had taken more pics of this for them! Next time!!!

On Sunday, I felt like doing something with them for being so awesome and helpful during the week, so we made Edible Carrot Gardens. Way cute idea!  The carrot gardens we made from vanilla wafers as the sides and bottom, chocolate wafers or oreo style crushed cookies, orange Mike & Ikes, chocolate frosting to hold it together, and green licorice style candies. Super easy and fun for the kids! They get to eat it, so it doesn't take up crazy room in the house and the kids loved it! Great dessert!

Thank you so much for the ones that have stood by my side through the past week and the aftermath of the surgery! You guys are all amazing and I am so lucky to have each of you in my life. I love you all! Thanks for getting me through this crazy mess and keeping me positive. Thank you to my husband, for never letting me down and being more than I could have asked for during this time and always. I love you more than any amount of words can ever express!

Gone, But Never Forgotten

I keep searching for the right words today, yet here I am, unable to find them. This time, three years ago (almost exactly this time), Kevin and I were watching television when my phone rang with the worst news possible....My cousin, Scott, had been hit head on while driving and didn't survive. Within time, we came to learn that the other driver was more than two times over the legal limit when he crossed the yellow line. Scott died on impact.

Three years later and the pain just doesn't go away. I think about him all the time and the tears just flow. Growing up, Scott and I spent a lot of time around each other. In 1997 he moved to Mena, AR and I wasn't able to see him often. Thankfully, in 2007 I drove out to GA to see our family with the kids while Kevin was deployed, then headed to Mena to see my Grandmother and Aunt Jeanette. While I was there, he came out and stayed the night. For the first time, we were able to sit and talk, exchange stories as adults and catch up on missed time. It is a time that I will never forget and always hold close.

A couple weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch trying to relax, when Kevin called out to me. He said that Caitlin needed to ask me something and knew that it was something more in my area than his. Yes, we have certain areas that each of us handle better than the other. Caitlin walked over to me and out of nowhere, she told me that she wanted to tell Scott that she loves him but didn't know how. I had to bite the inside of my cheek in hopes of not shedding tears in front of her. I kept my composure and explained to her that if she talked to him like she does God when she prays, he would hear her. I didn't know what else to say and that seemed to be the right thing for her. I told her that he is always watching over us. As she walked away, I had to get up and walk outside because I couldn't keep the tears from coming. My heart ached, yet I was so proud of her for thinking about him and asking me this.

As you read this, please throw in a special prayer for Scott's parents, my Aunt and Uncle. Not only are they having to take on this day, but on May 27 we are all faced with Scott's 29th birthday. Two days after his accident he would have been 26. We could all use a special prayer this week.

*** Scott, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. The tears flow so easily and have everyday since the day we lost you. My heart aches knowing that you have been taken from us, especially when it comes to your parents. Please, keep watching over them.... We all love you and miss you more than words could ever say.***