Closing One Chapter as Another One Opens

We started this morning off like every other morning... Wake up, get the girls up and ready, then off to the bus. Following this, at 645 in the morning, I headed upstairs to finish getting ready and Kevin off to Nic's room to wake him and get him dressed. Once we were all ready around 715, we loaded up in the XTerra and headed to Fort Bliss to meet with Kevin's PEBLO (Physical Evaluation Board Liaison Officer). The PEBLO is the one responsible for processing the documents and Service Members case, making sure all appointments are scheduled and kept, counseling the soldiers, and providing answers or resources to the soldier and soldiers family when going through the Medical Evaluation Board for a Medical Discharge. The meeting this morning consisted of us going over all that has been done over this past year, the reasons Kev is unfit for duty, and for him to sign everything for it to finally be sent to Fort Lewis. Yes... you read right! We are finally at the step that we have been waiting on for months now. The NARSUM (Narrative Summary) is now complete and is being sent to Fort Lewis, along with medical records for the Board to review everything and give him his retirement rating. With the condition Kev is in from deployments, he will be retired, we are just not sure on the percentage yet. 

Once his packet is back with his rating, he has the choice to either accept the percentage or appeal the decision from the Board. Neither of us see appealing becoming a part in this. Following this step, the VA Claims Process is started along with other things, as the transition is heavily started. After next week, Kevin should go on Terminal Leave within eight weeks (give or take some days, after all, we know how the Army works). After his Terminal Leave ends, he will be retired from the Army. Retired....

Retired.... That doesn't even look right at this point in our lives and there really aren't words to express the thoughts rapidly running through my mind right now. I am honestly not sure if there ever will be either. It all just seems so surreal. I have taken many steps back and tried to look at everything from outside of the box, yet I can't quite place anything. I am 28 and my husband is one week shy of turning 31 and he will be medically retired from the Army due to injuries sustained while in combat. My husband, who has fought in the middle of war more than once, who has permanent damages from these deployments, will be retired by the end of this year. 

While he is still young, combat has taken so much away from him...and us. All five of us. During the 2006-2007 rotation in Mosul, Iraq; Kevin was lead or tail gunner. He was a NCO (non-commissioned officer). He was a true leader and hero. He left here the man I had fallen in love with and returned a complete stranger. He came home with not only physical injuries from multiple IED attacks, mortars, rockets, fire fights; but full of mental injuries as well. He came home a man that I had to learn and discover things that I never imagined I would. His eyes have never sparkled like they did before he left. His smile is not the same, bright and innocent smile. His laugh isn't full and from the heart as it use to be. His face has aged, his hands have aged.  His thoughts are not that of the majority of people his age. He has seen more, witnessed  more, acted on more, smelled more, and heard more than more than 99% of the United States has. Yet, even through all these changes, he is still my husband and the man I madly love.

So, here we are, after eight years of living this life and everything that we know is about to change. While we were once young adults, barely out of our teens, learning and adjusting to the military life; so innocent in many ways. We walked into this lifestyle not knowing what to expect and we are leaving it with more experience than most our age, wiser beyond our age, with open eyes knowing the realities of war and of life. We are closing a chapter in our lives in order to begin a new one, unaware of what the future holds or how we will transition into a life without all the rules and restrictions of the army life. We are facing a world we know very little of, yet, we are fully welcoming it all. 

Over the next few weeks and couple of months we are going to try to make this transition as smooth as we possibly can, while we discover a whole new world. One that people don't live walking on eggshells or knowing how harsh reality really is because they have never seen really anything outside of their normal day to day life. I have no idea how we will fall back into the lives of others because we have done far more than others our age, especially Kevin going overseas and fighting in a war. We know and we have seen how quickly life can be ripped right from under our feet. We know firsthand how short life truly is. 

There are days that we cannot wait to get past the army life and start anew. There are days that we are both terrified to leave the life we have come to know, understand, and in many ways love. There have been days that Kevin has questioned the reasons behind choosing this life. Yet, there are not days of regret. Without the Army, we would have missed out on so many things. We never would have traveled the world. We never would have learned how strong our love and marriage truly is. The Army, this life, the people, the missions, PCS's, deployments, FTX's, NTC's, TDY's, and everything else have shown us how strong we are not only as individuals, but also as a couple and family.

To all of you that have remained by our sides through this crazy roller coaster of a life, thank you! As hard as it is going to be to bid this chapter goodbye, we know that there is something bigger and better on the other side and we also know that many of you will remain in our lives and always in our hearts!

My 4th of July Thoughts

I remember the first 4th of July that my husband and I spent apart that I actually went out without him. We had been apart before this year for this holiday, but I stayed at our apartment in Germany. In 2007 he was in Mosul, Iraq stationed at FOB Marez, and I decided to take our daughters and newborn to Georgia for a few weeks. This year the meaning of July 4th hit me a lot harder and as soon as "God Bless the USA" started to play as the fireworks in downtown Atlanta began, so did the flow of my tears. There was nothing I could do to hold them back. Maybe that's when the reality struck that my husband was deployed and millions of Americans were celebrating a holiday they could not even explain the meaning to. All they cared about was having a day off work, grilling out and drinking. There I was, surrounded by my family, at the top of a parking deck where they go every year, watching my kids having a blast, and missing a huge part of myself....my husband. There I was surrounded by so many wonderful people, yet I felt more alone than I could remember. As soon as I felt the tears coming I tried to hide my face, yet my Aunt saw me and immediately came over to me. At that moment, it was like the flood gates opened and I lost all control. There I was, surrounded by amazing people and all I wanted was Kevin at my side. The feelings and emotions of loneliness had crept over me. As much as I needed him with me, our country needed him more.

As I stood there, listening to "God Bless the USA", with my Aunt hugging me as I cried, all the emotions that I had held back for a few months came rushing to me and there was no possible way to stop any of it. I had kept it all inside for months, while telling myself that everything would be fine and he would come home just as he had left. At the end of the deployment I was blessed because they came home at the fourteen month mark and not fifteen. They came home a month early and were able to spend the holidays with families and not in Iraq. I thought I was the luckiest person in the world. I mean, my husband was home....what could possibly go wrong?

The one thing I was not prepared for was PTSD, TBI, or the lack of knowledge of his injuries, things he had witnessed, the nightmares, distance between us, and so much more that was in store for me. I was naive in it all and thought that my husband was home so all would be okay. Within time, I became lost in my own marriage because shortly after he redeployed home I came to learn that this man that came home from work everyday and this man that I shared a bed with every night and planned to share my life with was a man that I knew nothing about anymore. Where had my husband and the love of my life gone? Then I became angry because no one ever warned me about what I was in store for. No one told me there was a chance he would struggle because of PTSD, TBI, or other combat injuries. No one prepared  me for anything other than either he would come home or I would be greeted at my door by the most dreaded knock and speech for a military wife....

By the time July 4th of 2008 rolled around I had come to learn that my husband was struggling with something, yet I didn't quite know what it was at that point.Our daughters stayed in Atlanta for the summer and hopped back and forth between the grandparents, so it was me, Kevin, and our one year old son at home. We decided to take the opportunity and work around the house. Every other July 4th that we spent together, we celebrated it. When we were in Georgia, we went downtown and watched the fireworks in Atlanta. In Germany, we celebrated on post. In El Paso in 2006, we watched the fireworks with friends at Cohen Stadium after cooking out. In 2008, he refused to go out and we pulled the carpet out and layed tile throughout our entire house...just the two of us. He acted real odd that night and I was so lost with no idea how to handle it. He would yell at me over everything and became real defensive for no reason. When the fireworks started by people in our neighborhood he would snap over every little thing and life became pure hell. I was yelled at for not moving fast enough or for adding too much or not enough grout. Hell, I had no idea what I was doing since I had never once messed with tile or grout. As they got louder and more frequent, I was yelled at more. I was not sure what was going on, but I remember reaching my breaking point, throwing down whatever was in my hand and walking outside to our swing. That is where I ended up hiding out and breaking down into tears. What had happened to my husband?

The following 4th of July he was in Iraq again, so I celebrated with the kids and our neighbors. We shot off fireworks and even though it was fun, I felt lonely and became depressed while missing my husband. This past 4th of July, I was better prepared for the changes and I was also more aware of what was going on and that he had been officially diagnosed with PTSD and TBI. Yet, he still wanted to see the kids happy and let them enjoy the fireworks at the country club. What better way to do it than with friends who lived in the country club community at their house. Of course we celebrated it with cooking out, beer, and some really great sangria for me. He kept a smile on his face and even attempted to go outside with us. As soon as the first one went off, I saw Kevin get real uneasy and flinch, then immediately tell me he was going inside. When I walked into the house as the show was ending, I found him inside talking with a Vietnam Vet. Someone who understood his reason of not being able to be outside, yet didn't have to ask him questions to understand. He just knew. At that instant, I found myself extremely thankful for this man being there and not asking him questions, but just talking small talk with my husband. I am not sure if he will ever know what a life saver he was to Kevin or that he brought tears to my eyes. I wasn't able to be there as I wanted because I had to stay outside with our girls, but someone that understood him was able to jump in. I will forever be grateful for this. There are no words to express my gratitude for this man's presence.  As we drove home, Kevin became very anxious because there were still firecrackers being set off at all angles and it was like we could not get home quick enough.

This year we are spending the 4th of July in the comfort of our own home, and I am okay with that. I have the best understanding than I have ever had of PTSD and what it entails. Our daughters understand that their dad isn't the same man that he use to be and that war changed him. While none of us can understand firsthand what he has witnessed, done and been through, we can understand that a part of him was left in Iraq and will never return. We have all accepted that. Sure, we would love to go to a friends house and cookout with fireworks that night, but we know that is something that will not happen. It's something that we now give up without questioning because of his PTSD. We would much rather have him with us than sit and watch the fireworks. So, while your spouse is not able to handle and tolerate fireworks this year, don't get angry and go out without them because you want to be apart of the celebration. Instead, rent a movie and sit with him. Play a game. Stay at home, even if he has to resort to his "safe zone" because he can't handle the situation. Even if they don't admit to it, just having their spouse there is what gets them through. I have been told many times that me being with him (even when he doesn't show it) gets him through and that he wouldn't be able to do it without me is one of the things that makes me have no interest in being around the celebrations and fireworks.

In the end, what I am saying is, don't be upset, angry or ever hold it against your combat vet when he says that he can't handle this holiday or you see him seeking solitude. In all reality, he is telling you the truth. The fireworks colors may remind him of an RPG as it shoots across the dark skies, the sounds may remind him of mortar attacks, RPG's, fire fights.... don't knock it down when he flinches or tries to take cover. This holiday already holds a special place in the hearts of veteran's and their families, but this holiday is also one that combat vets come to hate because it triggers PTSD episodes that can last for the night or it can last for days or even put them into one of their ruts that lasts for a week or more. Don't come down on them for this. It is honestly out of their control. When you see a vet almost hit the ground or if they do hit the ground looking for cover, don't find humor in the situation, instead, show them you care and are there for them. Their reactions are honestly out of their control. This night is one that makes the vet feel back in combat from the noises, scenery, and even the smell. When they struggle with PTSD there are times these episodes make them think they are back in combat...in a war zone. They are not always capable of differentiating the two. Hold your Veteran close to you this weekend and be thankful you still have him or her by your side. I know I am, today, tomorrow and everyday that I have ahead of me.

While they have made many sacrifices that 99% of the population will never witness firsthand, as military families we should be able to sacrifice this one night and remain by our vets side, helping them make it through the night. I ask this of you, please help them through this night coming up and please help other civilians throughout our country understand the meaning of this holiday as well as the reason our military service members may not celebrate it in the way that the majority of our country will. My thoughts and prayers will be with each of our families as we take on Independence Day for 2011.

Happy 4th of July... May we each remember the reason we have our freedom.... Thank your spouse, mother, father, son, daughter, Aunt, Uncle, or whoever else in in your life that has given you the rights to freedom as an American.

Freedom Has A Price

As you wake up today, please take some time and remind yourself that today is not about the extra sleep you will get, the paid day off of work, the sales you will find shopping, or the bbq's and beer you may find yourself consuming. Instead, take the time and remember the sole purpose of it and the ones that have died for your freedom. The lives that have been lost for you to have the extra sleep, shopping sales, paid day off of work, bbq's, beer and whatever else you may do. Remember the ones that have laid their lives on the line and paid the ultimate sacrifice for you to live in a country that has the freedoms. Keep in mind that we don't have the fear of men being drafted because people sign up on their own free will. Men and woman sign their names away to the government, to branches of the military to continue this fight for our country. Freedom really isn't free. So many people have paid the price. While you are now taking the time to remember them, also take that time to think of the spouses, children, parents, families, and friends that have been directly affected and left behind. The ones that choose to live this life out of standing beside the ones they love. The spouses and children that could not imagine their lives any other way, but to follow wherever the military sends us. Their past and their futures have been taken from them, and yet they stand proud of the one they had to lay to rest. The ones that on this day will face an emotion just as they do everyday that the vast majority of us will never understand or know.

Say a prayer for the safe return of the ones still overseas unselfishly serving our country. Say a prayer for their families that await their safe return. That live with their cell phone always beside them, waiting for that chance to just hear their voice. The simple, "I'm okays" and "I love you's" go such a long ways following the time we kiss our loved ones goodbye and patiently await their return home to us.

Say a prayer for the families that will start a normal day only to be faced with the dreaded knock on their front door that their spouse or child is not coming home because they sacrificed it all.

Not only have the ones that paid the price with their lives sacrificed, but so have the ones that remain on the homefront. Coming from a proud army wife, freedom is far from free. We live on sacrifices and prayers in order to get us by. We lean on each other, forming a bond between Army wives...or rather, military wives, that most will never know. Today is a day for everyone to pray and remember the ultimate sacrifices people have made to ensure our freedom. There are no words that could show my gratitude for the ones that have laid thie lives down for our country, for the ones who will in the future, and for the ones who go out everyday unaware and uncertain of the unknown.

To all the ones we have lost, to the ones Kevin has served beside, or the ones we have known growing up, you will NEVER be forgotten and always cherished! There are too many to try to list on here, and I don't want to list any without listing them all. This is a battle we all face everyday, one that at the end of the day we are proud of. As an Army wife, I could never explain to you the pride that arises when I see my husband in uniform or the tears that flow when I hear the National Anthem or God Bless the USA... To the families that have also paid the price with your loved one, you too will never be forgotten!
Happy Memorial Day. Please be careful today while you are out doing
whatever it is you may do. Next time you see a Vet, no matter what
their age, shake their hand and just say "thanks". Afterall, they were
one of the lucky ones that made it back home alive. They will never
show their pride or think of themselves as heroes. But to all of,
past, present, and future, they are our true American Heroes. Oh, and
don't forget that military family who also serves. They tend to go
unnoticed. They too go through more than most know. And, unless you
walk a day in the shoes of someone that has been off to war, sent
someone they love off to war, or fought in any way to keep our country
safe, you will probably never understand the sacrifices that are made
daily.

Sent from Britt's iPhone